Good on paper but…

Do not seek the because - in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions – Anais Nin

You know how you want to say something, but it is either really short or only a picture can really explain your thoughts adequately?

As sweet as it was, I quit Tumblr-ing, because I am here instead.

This is my primary, so don’t abandon me.

Panther, I think of you as I write this.

I am often confused when I work out the details of my thingy with LHS. I do not know what and when and why things will happen-but they do.

Do I like it that way? Yes, I do. Part of his charm for me is that it is always a crapshoot, a guess, a chance for a party.

You love I love a party…

However, the rolllercoaster of love has to slow down, stop and get fuel, before it rockets back off to the sky.

That is when I stand face-to-face with him. I see his flaws, foibles, his stubborn insistences that X is always X , no matter what I say.

I also see his strength, his kindness, his loving heart and his uncanny ability to not sweat the details. He is laidback in a way I never will be able to embrace within myself.

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In a total repudiation of what is currently accepted, LHS does not shave. I asked him to let things grow as they should. He leaves hair for me to tangle my fingers in while I kiss him.

As I bite his thighs and work my way up, I get excited.

I will smell him. As he is made, not perfumed or processed. Clean , slightly soapy, natural.

Lying my head on his stomach, I grip his hips tightly in my hands, and I inhale to smell heaven.

Have you guys ever read Ex-millennial girl? She is finishing with blogging but this is one of my most cherished posts.

She explains here the boundary that is often battered upon, for dancers, as they naviagate the waters. The place where one interacts but is not consumed.

Powerful profound stuff. I will miss her.

I have not spoken of LHS, because he still wants me to do something that I have no experience doing. He would like for me to be needy, not just need him.

That is something that I cannot sucessfully do. I do not even know how to begin. I can lie to start, read about it, then practice until I am proficient.  But it is only a role to be slipped off, discarded when the house lights go down.

I have hoped to meet a man that was able to see me as I am, and not hand me his past. I cannot solve the puzzles, fix the hurt, rig the game or stack the deck.

Mmmmmm….sigh.

À toucher l’ensemble. À déguster sur lui toutes…de se sentir lui toutes sur moi…oui.

His kisses are hot, sweet, warm and have a slightly salty finish.

Like a tangerine, with a dash of salt, just pulled out of the fire.

Corn.

Red peppers, fresh from the farmer’s hands.

Homemade garlic bread.

Mushrooms, vidalia onions, heirloom tomatoes.

Buffalo steaks, with garlic pepper sauce.

Marinated butterflied leg of lamb.

Trout.

Flounder.

Thai chile lime burgers

Asiago chicken sausage.

T-bones, just this side of rare.

Vodka.

Pomegranate juice.

Raspberries.

Coconut ice cream.

Pistachio gelato.

Butter cookies.

Wish you were here. my friends…

LHS told me something the other day.

He had broken up with the love of his life about 6 months ago. She called to say a few things.

With one eyebrow raised, I listened. I heard his bruised ego and his last bit of love for her.

After I made my nice and supportive comments, I asked him what was the purpose of telling me what happened.

He said that he wants me to know what is on his mind.

I asked if that changed anything.

He said it did not.

I paused, waiting. So did he.

With a soft sigh, I asked him what did he want to do now.

His smiling voice caressed my cheek, as he told me.

We will see.

I prefer for us to “do”, however.